Communication – Anger.

We have all experienced anger in some form or another, whether as an annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion, but when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems - at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. Anger can make you feel out of control, powerless and at the mercy of your own unpredictable emotions. The good news is that it is possible to manage anger.

Eph 4:25 Therefore putting away lying, let each man speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 26 Be angry, and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down upon your wrath, 27 neither give place to the Devil.

Like other emotions anger is accompanied by physiological and biological changes. When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You may be angry with a specific person (such as a colleague or manager at work) or event (a traffic jam or cancelled flight) or your anger could be caused by concern or worrying about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic events can also trigger angry feelings.

Pro 14:16 A wise one fears and departs from evil, but the fool rages and is sure. 17 He who is soon angry acts foolishly, and a man of wicked plots is hated.

Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats and it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us, because laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

Rom 12:17 Repay no one evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as far as is in you, being in peace with all men. 19 not avenging yourselves, beloved, but giving place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord."

There are several important things about anger to keep in mind:

It is a powerful survival tool
It is a response to pain (physical or psychological)
It is a source of energy
It is a secondary emotion
In anger mode the brain downshifts to a lower evolutionary level
Prolonged anger is unhealthy
Repressed anger is also unhealthy

Three main approaches people use to deal with their anger:

Expressing
Suppressing
Calming

Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive (not aggressive) manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding - it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Isa 1:17 learn to do good; seek judgment, reprove the oppressor. Judge the orphan, plead for the widow. 18 Come now, and let us reason together, says Jehovah; though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool. 19 If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land;

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward - on yourself!

Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

You can also choose to calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

Strategies to Manage Anger

Jam 1:19 Therefore, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. 20 For the wrath of man does not work out the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore putting aside all filthiness and overflowing of evil, receive in meekness the implanted Word, which is able to save your souls.

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of (or avoid) the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and visualization, can help calm anger down. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques or you can buy audiotapes of guided relaxation techniques or meditations. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Cognitive Restructuring

Phi 4:7 And the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, my brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are right, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue and if there is any praise, think on these things. 9 Do those things which you have also learned and received and heard and seen in me. And the God of peace shall be with you.

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. When we become angry, we become the victim of the circumstance, situation or other person. You render yourself powerless to do anything about the situation.

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.

Angry people tend to demand things, like fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions - frustration, disappointment and emotional pain, but not anger.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to (and act on) conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
When you decide not to get angry, you remain in control of the situation - and you own the moment!